I’m writing this from Whistler, British Columbia, where my family is crammed into a condo rental for the week. Me, my wife, our 15-year old daugther and our college-age daughter who we picked up from UBC on the way, and my mother-in-law who moved in across the street from us seven months ago.
If you’ve ever done close-quarters family vacation, you probably know: irritation is inevitable.
Someone asks the same question for the third time. Someone else’s food restrictions make restaurant choices complicated. Someone phrases their questions in a way that’s clearly fishing for validation rather than actual curiosity.
And while I could go on about the irritations, what I’m trying to do is prevent allowing those irritations to reinforce what I’ll call “the stories.”
Because irritation itself is just a feeling. It’s brief, manageable, and human. But the story is what creates resentment. The story sounds like this: “She always does this.” Or: “They never consider what I want.” Or: “I’m the only one paying attention to [whatever].”
These stories feel true in the moment. They’re reinforced every time something irritating happens. And over time, they calcify into resentments that poison relationships. I’ve done this. But I’ve worked to recognize the stories and not allow myself to build resentments.
So this vacation, I’m trying to be especially mindful. When I feel irritated, I’m pausing to ask myself what story I’m telling. Not to dismiss the irritation; I’m not allowing myself to be a pushover. But to separate the feeling from the narrative I’m building around it.
This is really hard stuff. I’ve been working on it for years, to tell the truth.
My default mode is to let irritation confirm my existing stories. “See? This is exactly what always happens. I’m right.” But I’ve discovered that confirming my stories doesn’t really change the dynamic in my relationships. It just means that I stay in my comfortable defenses. That’s actually self-imprisonment if you think about it.
The work is acknowledging the irritation without agreeing with the story. Noticing: “I’m annoyed right now” without jumping to “and here’s what this means about this person.”
Sometimes the irritation is about me, not them. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I’m feeling constrained by group dynamics when I’d rather be running alone in the mountains. And here’s the thing: Slowing down to recognize those things makes it easier to support myself and stay in relationship. I can say, “You know what? I’m hungry and tired right now and I am not feeling like I can have this conversation. I’m going to need some food and time to rest and then I can constructively participate.” Or I can say, “I’m irritable right now and I don’t want to relate out of that feeling. I need a break and then I’ll reconnect with you.” Try that sometime and see how people respond. It’s kind of amazing. If you are with people who love you and are empathetic, they will work with you. If they’re dealing with their own bullshit, it’s going to be a bit different. But if you stick to it, you’ll see, it changes things.
The goal isn’t to never feel irritated (or any other emotion). The goal is to stop letting irritation write stories that I then believe and act on.
This connects to my training, actually. Okay, that’s a bit of a left turn, but I do write about running here!
I came to Whistler planning to maintain my mile preparation. Easy runs most days, maybe a harder effort or two. But being at elevation (even Whistler’s modest altitude), dealing with family schedule constraints, and just being out of routine means the plan doesn’t quite work.
Now, I could tell myself a story about this: “I’m losing fitness. I’m not committed enough. This vacation is ruining my training. I don’t ski, why did they drag me here?”
Or I could just adapt: run when I can, make it easy when it needs to be easy, trust that one week isn’t going to derail months of work. Because it isn’t. And also, if I felt that strongly about it, I didn’t have to agree to vacation here.
Same with family dynamics. I’m committed to being, curious, forthright and as kind as possible. But that doesn’t mean I never feel irritated. It means I work not to act out of irritation.
It’s not always successful. Sometimes I’m three paragraphs into the mental rant before I realize I’m doing it. But I’m getting better at the pause between the internal rant and acting out of it.
That’s the work. Not eliminating irritation – that’s impossible when you’re sharing a three bedroom condo with five people who all want different things. But refusing to let those moments impact who you really are (or want to be, as in my case). You won’t hear that in the manosphere. That content seems to tell a lot of men that they need to assert their dominance or maintain control. But I think that’s the opposite of being “masculine.” I think that only maintains victimhood status. It’s self-imprisonment. Doesn’t sound very manly to me.
The stories we tell ourselves affect how we act and toward ourselves and others. And I’d rather build stories about curiosity and being forthright that ultimately free me from the old dynamics.
Even on vacation. Actually this might be a permanent vacation from my old habits. Maybe they can be that for you, too.
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Sorry/not sorry if this post was a bit disjointed as I am trying to be on vacation (only working one day this week). In upcoming posts, I’m going to write about some things I’ve noticed and read regarding professional athletes in the Olympics and in the Super Bowl and how it relates to Warm Current. And I’m going to write about the early stages of my mile training.
Last, here’s a photo of my dog, Hawk. He was born with an autoimmune disorder that doesn’t allow him to be vaccinated, so he stays with a dog sitter when we visit Canada. He’s sort of on vacation, too. I miss him.
I hope you’re having a great week!