I fell while running recently. I hit some uneven sidewalk and just went head-first to the ground, bracing my fall with my hands. As you can see, they got pretty chewed up, and tbh, it hurt quite a lot. Worse, I had fallen about a month ago and turned my hands into hamburger. So, it was injury on top of a still-healing injury.
I felt stupid. While lying there groaning and cursing, I realized I’d fallen in that exact spot once before. I take a spill once or twice a year. Usually it’s because of slippery or dark conditions or running on rock-and-root-strewn trails, but I am not prone to falls. I chastised myself: how could I trip over the exact same uneven block of sidewalk twice?
I usually try to keep running after I have an injury like that. But this time, I decided to cut it short and head home. It hurt that bad.
On the way, I put on some running gloves and reminded myself not to take it out on anyone else, even if I was in pain. By the time I got home, I’d run a couple of miles through the initial pain. My gloves were soaked in blood and I just wanted a hot shower to wash away the dirt and rocks in my hands.
I came in and saw my wife who asked me how the run went. “Well,” I said, forcing a chuckle, “I fell and chewed up my hands. It hurts pretty bad. I am going to hit the shower and clean it up a bit.”
She didn’t say much, and I don’t recall exactly what it was. I just took what you can probably imagine was an uncomfortable shower.
After getting bandaged up and dressed, I was sitting in a chair in our room when my wife came in and asked me if I needed anything.
“Yeah, I could use some soothing,” I said. It’s not historically been my way to be vulnerable enough to ask for what I needed, so this felt important.
She gave me a hug, but said something that made me stop: “I find it hard to comfort you when you’re in pain because you used to seem angry when you’re hurt.”
At first, that seemed like a cop out to me. Here I was in pain, and I just wanted some comfort. But after I thought about it, I could understand that in the past, I’d been out of relationship with myself and that is not a time when I’ve been available for connection with other people.
Even reflecting on the fall, I was chastising myself, angry at myself, putting myself down. That’s a barrier to connection, and I know it comes from a childhood in which I experienced little comfort or connection from the adults in my life. So it took a lot for me to ask for comfort. I didn’t grow up expecting to receive it. And I became an adult who pushed it away.
I know this and that’s why I have worked so hard to change things inside myself so I can be open to connection. Running creates constant opportunities to work on this. Bad runs where you just don’t run well. Days that don’t go as planned, Injuries that sideline training. And even falls on the same damn crack in the sidewalk you’ve hit before.
What matters is not whether or not these things happen, it’s how you respond when they do. Can you be in relationship with yourself? Can you treat yourself the way you’d treat someone you cared about? Or even treat yourself in the way you really want to be treated, deep down?
This doesn’t mean that when you’re hurt or frustrated you should pretend that you’re not. It just means acknowledging the situation with some basic kindness for yourself.
I’m still working on this, but I feel I am making progress.
Also, I’m going to start wearing gloves to protect my hands, even if it’s not cold out!
If this post would be useful to someone you know, please share it with them. Or tell them to suscribe.