A recent CNN investigation has uncovered a dark corner of the internet that should make every man stop and take note. It’s a global “online rape academy” where nearly a thousand men in private groups swap tips on drugging their wives and filming sexual assaults. I could provide further detail, but, really, I think you should simply read that last sentence again because what else is there to say?
This is the ultimate failure of masculinity. It’s a perversion of a community.
The investigation notes that inside these groups, men find a “sense of community and perverse camaraderie.” They are looking for violence and a sick sense of brotherhood. These are men who are clearly out of relationship with themselves, isolated – hell, they’re out of relationship with the world. And they chose violence in response. I don’t think I have words for the awfulness of it all.
But if it’s not clear: This isn’t masculinity or strength. It’s the opposite.
The anonymity of the internet allows abuse to be normalized without accountability. Real connection is the antidote to anonymity. Research shows that “real-world relationships remain critical” for mental health. We need actual friends, coaches, and mentors who know our names and our character, making it impossible to hide behind a screen.
Drugging a partner is for men who are afraid of the actual challenge of intimacy. I’ve said before, real strength isn’t about dominance. It’s about handling the discomfort of a real human relationship.
I try to make my approach in Warm Current about building up, not blaming. But this just sickened me. Especially after last week’s viewing of a new documentary on the manosphere, I just feel a lot of dismay. But to be useful and not just a scold, I – no we – have to acknowledge that many men are hungry for connection and purpose, and if they don’t find it in a healthy community, they will find it in a toxic one.
This Week’s Practice:
- Stand up: I know we men often wave off “locker room talk,” but it’s an excuse to normalize and dehumanize other people. Next time you hear it. Don’t tolerate it. You don’t need to be a hero, but you can shut it down. “Dude, that’s a human being. Not cool.” And if that’s too hard for you, try, “Come on, man. We’re better than that.” Another option is to ask the person to explain what they mean. “I don’t understand what you’re saying, man.” When forced to repeat or explain a “joke,” they might realize it’s not funny. Or simply leave. You don’t have to passively accept what other guys are saying by remaining in the situation.
- Reach Out: Send a text to one male friend you haven’t seen in a while. Don’t just ask “how’s it going?” Ask a genuine question about a project or a struggle they mentioned last time you spoke.
- The Five-Minute Listen: If you have a son or a young man you mentor, ask them what they’ve seen on their social media feeds lately. Don’t lecture. Just listen to the “digital wilderness” they are navigating every day.
- Be the Node of Support: Invite someone to do something non-digital this weekend. A run, a coffee, or a walk. Be the real-world connection that acts as a barrier against digital isolation.
I saw on LinkedIn a guy in the UK is coordinating an event of men who want to show they are allies, not just passive observers in response to this story. I wrote him to volunteer to help. I’ll keep you posted on what comes of that. But the actions above are good efforts in the meantime.
One thing I would ask is that you share this with another person. You don’t have to cop to agreeing with it, but it would help in a couple of ways. It starts a conversation, which is opening the door to growth. Yes, it organically grows the audience for this type of material. But more importantly, spreading another way of going through the world gives permission for more men to try real Connection, Care, Commitment, and Challenge.
PROGRAMMING NOTE: I’ve been exploring ways to deliver Warm Current as I’m not thrilled with the discoverability of a standalone site. While I don’t love Substack for some of its leadership’s past decisions, I’m considering it as an option. I’m aware that a growing contingent of running content is blossoming there. And in the absence of inexpensive, easy alternatives that provide the same kind of discoverability, I am seriously considering the platform while maintaining the website site. If you strenuously object to Substack, or have an alternative with discoverability that’s as good, leave a comment or send me an email as I ponder the step. Thank you!