You probably don’t spend a lot of time consuming the social content created by the guys featured in “Inside the Manosphere,” but your son probably has. And your daughter might be dating him. Recent data shows 60% of adolescent boys find influencers inspirational, and the algorithm is feeding them a steady diet of “alpha” posturing even if they aren’t looking for it. The new Netflix documentary by British filmmaker Louis Theroux does a good job of giving these young, ultra-conservative male “influencers” all the rope they need to hang themselves. I watched it this week, and it made me feel…lots of things. Disgust, sadness, embarrassment, and contempt chief among them.
In the film, Theroux visits Miami, New York and Marbella, Spain, to interview and follow male influencers’ day-to-day lives. What we see is a series of over-the-top, performative dudebros whose entire waking lives revolve around harnessing the attention economy to sell whatever they’re peddling. The products range from sketchy investments to “courses” on how to get rich.
Each dudebro seems to have drunk their own Kool-Aid. If they open their mouths, it’s to spew some well-rehearsed, hateful, conspiracy-laden rant about women, or “Jews.” And they repeat age-old definitions of what it means to be a man: big muscles, lots of money, exotic cars and sleeping with a lot of women. If you haven’t got all that, or aren’t pursuing it, you’re a “soy boy,” whatever that is, although it’s clear it’s something lesser than their idea of a man.
Theroux’s cameras are rolling as he follows them around, being mobbed by teen fanboys in the street, recording a podcast in which aspiring women influencers are degraded over their looks, or recording themselves nearly 24/7 for “content.”
Theroux goes about asking questions to probe at how deeply held or well-considered each “influencer’s” beliefs are. None of them stand up to even basic reasonable questions. (Note, I will not link to any of them because I am not interested in sending traffic their way, that’s what they want.)
Podcaster Myron Gaines, who claimed to have a one-way open relationship with his girlfriend, is single by the end of the film. It was obvious she didn’t like having a boyfriend who was sleeping with other girls, but not affording her the same freedom, so she left him. Harrison Sullivan, who goes by the oh-so-manly handle “HSTikkyTokky” gets visibly upset by being asked to defend his purported beliefs. Isn’t he debasing himself and others? “I’m a businessman.” Why record a video of himself receiving oral sex from another influencer? “Content.” How does he square his disdain for women who make porn or sell themselves on OnlyFans with his frequent collaborations with them? “Business.” At the end of the film his mother joins him for Theroux’s last line of questions, and we see her repudiate his beliefs. He even wipes the floor with a towel when she tells him to.
If I had to sum up these guys in a word, I’d use the current popular adjective: cringe.
I’m embarrassed for them.
But I’m also old enough to be their father, and my daughters are growing up in a cohort of males who consume this stuff. And I want to be better than merely scornful.
Which is why I started Warm Current.
Now, I know that I’m never going to compete with the audiences that these dudebros have. If you ever see me livestreaming oral sex with an influencer – no, if you ever see me livestreaming sex AT ALL, something has gone very awry. But by chronicling my own thoughts about this stuff and showing my own journey in considering masculinity through the framework of running, I hope to provide the small number of readers I have an alternative.
If people see that there are men who talk and act differently from the “influencers,” those guys lose their influence.
To be clear, I’m hardly a saint, and I am guilty of having said and done some really stupid, hurtful things over the course of my life. Maybe not as far out as dudebros like Harrison Sullivan, but still. It happened. Unlike him, I’m not proud of it and I’m capable of being confronted with my impact and reflecting on it.
In stark contrast, the manosphere influencers in the documentary double-down when asked about their behavior. They seem afraid of what might happen if they might be wrong about the beliefs they say they hold. I think a real man cares enough to reflect on himself and his impact on the people around him. Real strength is being vulnerable enough to admit to things you want to change. Real guts show up when you take steps to make those changes.
So…What do to about this stuff? In addition to trying to live with real Care, real Challenge, real Commitment and real Connection.
Check in with young males in your life. Invite a conversation, “So what’re you seeing online lately?” Then just listen and don’t judge. Check in frequently, and over time develop the trust and care that allows you to ask them questions about whether they, too, are developing toxic beliefs. I have found that inviting my kids and the kids I coach to share as opposed to probing questions gets my kids to open up more. That looks like, “Anything you want to share about your day?” and not “What happened in school today? Nothing happened? You went the whole day and not a single thing occurred?”
Invite that young male in your life to do something physical and non-digital. Go for a run, certainly. Or shoot hoops. Cook. Garden. Paint the shed. It provides an opportunity to move the body and the mind at the same time. It’s a way to create connection that research says these guys are looking for. I can almost guarantee that you, whatever your faults, are a far better influence than anyone in the documentary.
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