This morning, I ran alongside a woman who organizes the group run that I recently wrote about joining. If you haven’t seen previous posts, I joined because I realized I had been missing real human connection in my life outside of my family. In short, I don’t have many friends and I’m trying to change that. While we ran, I heard all about her family, and her joy in seeing her two children become runners. It reminded me that twenty years ago, I ran with a group of guys every Saturday morning – 16 challenging miles where we shared our lives and supported each other. When you spend time with people, you can’t help but see their humanity.
The experience also made me think about this piece by The Guardian that explores how the content of some well-known men on social platforms has resonated with teen boys. If you are a parent, I think you should look at that story; it’s an incredible mix of writing, visuals and audio/video content that you’ll find engaging whether you’re concerned about the influence of “the manosphere” or not.
The piece describes what the manosphere is and some key figures in it, it breaks down some of their content, and it includes interviews with teen boys who talk about why they were attracted to it. The boys now feel differently, but it’s helpful to understand their journey.
Looking back on my own life, I recognize some of myself in the boys in that story. I was born in 1968, and my childhood was filled with toxic portrayals of how men should behave and the role of women in the 1970s and ’80s that followed the Sexual Revolution of the ’60s and ’70s. It was all over TV (“Love, American Style,” “Three’s Company”), in movies (“Porky’s”), and on the radio (“The Howard Stern Show”). All these portrayed women as having no agency other than tricking men into marriage, being the conquests of men, and objectified. I repeated those jokes. I thought it was normal. I’m not proud of it, but I want to acknowledge it because it would be dishonest to pretend I was above it all. So I understand why the boys in that Guardian story felt confused, and why they latched onto clear strong messaging of media personalities. Like a lot of “latchkey kids” of the ’80s, those boys in the Guardian story spent hours alone, consuming content that tells them women are not equals, women are responsible for their isolation, women are sexual objects, women are the spoils of being successful.
I think the running community is one way out of isolation. As I am discovering, after more than 20 years of running by myself, running with other people creates opportunities for real connection and support. I’ve only gone three times, but already I can see that I’ve been missing genuine relationships, and opportunities for support. Young boys will benefit from being part of that community.
Running groups (or school track and cross country teams), show kids what being a real man looks like: showing up consistently, supporting others without keeping score, pushing through difficulty together. It’s the antidote to spending hours alone online consuming content that treats half the population as objects, not humans.
My ask of you this week: Help prevent isolation.
Are you a parent? Encourage your child to join a cross country or track team. Go running with them.
Ask men in your life to go running. Or just get together for a talk.
Hear a misogynist comment? Don’t laugh. Don’t nod and “go along.” You don’t have to get on your soapbox, but the act of not agreeing is enough to signal that what they’re saying is not okay. If you have a relationship with someone who favors manosphere content, sometimes a conversation to find out what they really think and care about is enough to help them see that there are better ways to engage with the world.
Also, check yourself. I find myself doing this all the time lately. What are the algorithms feeding you? There are ways to change what it serves up. Just like serving up the toxic crap, the algo will serve up alternatives based on what you’re engaging with. Social platforms are in the business of engagement, and they care more about that than the nature of the content they serve up. So train them to serve up better stuff.
This is what Connecting means in practice. It’s choosing presence over isolation.
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